Last night I saw Paul Blart: Mall Cop. The only thing that kept me from walking out of this film, and I’m using that term loosely, is that we were eating dinner and had a pitcher of beer to drink. We went to the Fork and Screen in Buckhead there you can drink and get food while you watch a movie. I will write a review of the actual dining/viewing experience later but suffice to say it was the only redeeming part of the movie.
Ok, now to the real review. Where do I begin? There is so much to say. I’ll begin at the beginning, I’ve heard that’s a good place to start. The first moments of the movie you are bombarded with images of Paul Blart running and generally looking heroic…. for about 30 seconds, then it is mostly down hill for our “hero”, and again i use that term loosely. After failing to get into the New Jersey State Troopers for the umpteenth time, he returns to his job at the local mall. Oh… wait, I should mention the reason why he failed the trooper test was that he passed out. It seems that our rotund hero has hypoglycemia. Our hero can go from fine to passed out in no time, forget that there are intermidate steps of hunger, shakiness, nervousness, sweating, dizziness or light-headedness, sleepiness, confusion, difficulty speaking, anxiety, and weakness…. oh wait that describes “Officer” Blart all the time.
Ofc. Blart generally acts like an idiot during the beginning of the film, taking his job far too seriously and being socially inept. After developing a crush on the sales girl at unbe-weave-able (yes that is the name of the kiosk, couldn’t she have worked at a normal kiosk like SunglassHut?) he succeeds in ruing any chance with her after consuming copious amounts of booze at a bar. Oh, wait, this is a romance in a comedy, any retarded act is redeemable and forgivable, and no matter how implausable the romace if the writers want it to work, by god it will.
Recap thus far, Blart is a loser secuity gaurd… mall cop, sorry, he has a crush on a woman that is far out of his league and the one thing he is good at is look like an idiot. Recap done continue… Ok now we get into the real part of the movie, the “take-over”; of the mall. After the thugs on skateboard and bikes take over the mall most of the people are allowed to leave the only ones that are kept hostage are… bum bum buuuummm… the people Blart cares about. Who saw that coming?? Come on raise your hand. The hostages consist of Amy (the crush) some other friendly mall employees, and the obligatory douche with no spine. I wont go into the leap of logic that kept Blart in the mall after the take-over begins so we’ll just say he’s there, and he’s going to kick some ass…. erm yeah.
We discover that the thugs are there to steal credit card numbers. Excuse me if I’m wrong but I can think of easier ways to get credit card number than taking ove and entire fricking mall on Black Friday with a crew of like 8 people. I think there are some nigerian scammers who have done quite well and they are in NIGERIA. This movie asks that you forgive or ignore many things like the entire plot, but at some point all of this forgiveness/ ignorance needs to be rewarded but that’s too much to ask.
The later part of the movie consists of Blart taking down the thugs in a variety of ways, some clever, some not , all dumb. After he takes ot all the lackeys it just Blart and the leader. In a confrontation at the airport where the leader has a private plane wait (I wont even go into that) he manages to incapacitate the last thug….. but wait there’s a twist. I wont “ruin” it for you because it lasts a whole 45seconds, but trust me when I say that it isn’t worth the price of admission.
Blart now the hero makes his slow motion saunter to his new woman only to be run into by passing cops, a gag that was meant to be funny but ended up being not so much. They embrace and they all live happily ever after. During the credits it is shown that they are married in the mall on his and her’s segways. If you forgive the film for just about everything then there are brief amusing moments but let me stress they are brief. The inemptitude of the mall cops, the local police, and the SWAT team is astounding. If New Jersey cops are anywhere near what they are portrayed as in the movie, I do not want to go to NJ.
Final recap… Paul Blart is a duffous and has very little redeeming qualities, the plot is lame at best, and the “twist” seemed like an after thought. Any one of those would sink a movie but in Paul Blart: Mall Cop we have the trifecta of suck. It is often talked about but rarely seen. Take my advice avoid it all costs. But if you must see it make sure you have lots of alcohol handy.